James is an idiot!

So check this out! James and I had court on April 13th (almost 3 weeks ago), I didn't have an attorney yet at the time (weird b/c I filed, I know) so I asked the judge for a continuence. Oh first of all you should know that James didn't even show up until after the court session was over. Anways, James attorney kept pushing for the parenting time to be established today and not wait a couple more weeks so the judge granted it. James is to receive no less than 3 hours 3 times a week of supervised visitations. Not bad, he got time with the girlies and I still get it supervised like it should be. So court gets dismissed and my dad, James' attorney and I step outside and James is there. His attorney wants us to go ahead and determine the days and times he can see the girls. Which was fine b/c there were witness to this very conversation. I told James and I was free any weekday after 5:00p and my Saturdays were open during the day. James kept saying it didn't matter with him either so I went ahead and said ok Tuesdays & Thursdays 5:30p - 8:30p and Saturdays 10:00a - 1:00p. James said that was fine and we left.

Well court happened to be on a Tuesday so later that afternoon I called him to see where he wanted to see the girls and he told me he can't see them today bc he had to work. So then I questioned him as to why he would agree to these evenings choosen if he had to work and his reply was he seriously just wanted to get out of there bc I am a bitch for bringing up his past drug history which of course would effect how he gets to see his kids. Well 1st off, get over it. Of course I am going to bring it up, for the very reason that it does effect how you see my kids. DUH! And 2nd, seeing the girls must not be that important to you if you can't take an extra 2 minutes out of your day to determine a schedule that works for both parties. OMGosh!

Ok so the next day, Wednesday, was Faith's 1st birthday. Oh my goodness she grew so fast, my baby is turning into a kid! Alright back on track. I invited him over for dinner and cake the previous week. I called him to see if he was still coming over and he asked when so I told him well if you want to come for dinner start heading this way now and if you just want to come for cake then be here around 6:30ish. He then asked if he could seriously get a ride from me and I told him no. He then had the balls to tell me that I am the reason he can't see his kids bc I am not being supportive of him. HAHA, I know I know, I am laughing too. So needless to say he never showed up! Good thing she is too little to understand or even know him for that matter. Again sorry baby for not having a better dad for you.

Then Thursday came and he used the work excuse again. Then I called Friday to talk about Saturday and he never answered. I left him a voicemail and tried again Saturday morning and still nothing. He didn't see the girls again. I call him every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I leave a voicemail every time b/c he hasn't ever answered. It has been 2 full visitation weeks since court and he hasn't seen them once and it's not because I haven't tried. He hasn't even called back. Really, is answering a phone or calling someone that difficult? I am so glad they don't understand any of this and Hope doesn't really ask about him or to see him. I do not know what I would do if I had to explain to her that her dad won't even answer his phone to see his daughters during a time where he even pushed for it. What a crappy situation.

All in all it is more ammo for me when we go back to court on May 4th but it is so sad that it has come to this. He seriously still questions why I "left him". He really needs to be brought to his knees and find God.

Love me or Hate me

So James called the next day and apoligized for his behavior at the hospital. He said he was just in a lot of pain and didn't mean those things and since I informed the staff of his past drug history he never received anything. He said he was actually kinda grateful bc he knew it would throw him back into a downward spiral.

So just yesterday I took the girls over to see him. He started talking with me about everything and professed his love for me. Really? I don't believe him first of all and even if he was telling the truth than he should have told me this a year ago when it still mattered. I asked him all the time to talk with me and he was always too busy playing video games. I never even felt that he loved me and now he wants me to just believe him because he is saying so. I can't, I honestly can't believe him. And I don't feel the same. Even if he could prove to me that he has changed I couldn't ever trust him completely. I will always have doubt in the back of my mind questioning his actions, thoughts and whereabouts. That is no way to live. It's not fair to him or to me. Now just because I feel this way I really hope he doesn't see this as well since she doesn't love me than I'm giving up all together. I want him to remember that he has two little girls and he should still try to prove himself to me so I will feel comfortable having my girls around him and letting him eventually have some alone time with them. His life still needs to acceptable to me bc I am the mother of his children. He still needs to impress me as a father although its too late to do so as a husband. I pray that he gets his life straightened out for the girls and for himself. I don't want him to live miserably. I still care for him and love him as just another person in the world. I don't hate James, I've forgiven him, it's the forgetting I'm having troubles with.