Sunday, April 25, 2010

James is an idiot!

So check this out! James and I had court on April 13th (almost 3 weeks ago), I didn't have an attorney yet at the time (weird b/c I filed, I know) so I asked the judge for a continuence. Oh first of all you should know that James didn't even show up until after the court session was over. Anways, James attorney kept pushing for the parenting time to be established today and not wait a couple more weeks so the judge granted it. James is to receive no less than 3 hours 3 times a week of supervised visitations. Not bad, he got time with the girlies and I still get it supervised like it should be. So court gets dismissed and my dad, James' attorney and I step outside and James is there. His attorney wants us to go ahead and determine the days and times he can see the girls. Which was fine b/c there were witness to this very conversation. I told James and I was free any weekday after 5:00p and my Saturdays were open during the day. James kept saying it didn't matter with him either so I went ahead and said ok Tuesdays & Thursdays 5:30p - 8:30p and Saturdays 10:00a - 1:00p. James said that was fine and we left.

Well court happened to be on a Tuesday so later that afternoon I called him to see where he wanted to see the girls and he told me he can't see them today bc he had to work. So then I questioned him as to why he would agree to these evenings choosen if he had to work and his reply was he seriously just wanted to get out of there bc I am a bitch for bringing up his past drug history which of course would effect how he gets to see his kids. Well 1st off, get over it. Of course I am going to bring it up, for the very reason that it does effect how you see my kids. DUH! And 2nd, seeing the girls must not be that important to you if you can't take an extra 2 minutes out of your day to determine a schedule that works for both parties. OMGosh!

Ok so the next day, Wednesday, was Faith's 1st birthday. Oh my goodness she grew so fast, my baby is turning into a kid! Alright back on track. I invited him over for dinner and cake the previous week. I called him to see if he was still coming over and he asked when so I told him well if you want to come for dinner start heading this way now and if you just want to come for cake then be here around 6:30ish. He then asked if he could seriously get a ride from me and I told him no. He then had the balls to tell me that I am the reason he can't see his kids bc I am not being supportive of him. HAHA, I know I know, I am laughing too. So needless to say he never showed up! Good thing she is too little to understand or even know him for that matter. Again sorry baby for not having a better dad for you.

Then Thursday came and he used the work excuse again. Then I called Friday to talk about Saturday and he never answered. I left him a voicemail and tried again Saturday morning and still nothing. He didn't see the girls again. I call him every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I leave a voicemail every time b/c he hasn't ever answered. It has been 2 full visitation weeks since court and he hasn't seen them once and it's not because I haven't tried. He hasn't even called back. Really, is answering a phone or calling someone that difficult? I am so glad they don't understand any of this and Hope doesn't really ask about him or to see him. I do not know what I would do if I had to explain to her that her dad won't even answer his phone to see his daughters during a time where he even pushed for it. What a crappy situation.

All in all it is more ammo for me when we go back to court on May 4th but it is so sad that it has come to this. He seriously still questions why I "left him". He really needs to be brought to his knees and find God.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Love me or Hate me

So James called the next day and apoligized for his behavior at the hospital. He said he was just in a lot of pain and didn't mean those things and since I informed the staff of his past drug history he never received anything. He said he was actually kinda grateful bc he knew it would throw him back into a downward spiral.

So just yesterday I took the girls over to see him. He started talking with me about everything and professed his love for me. Really? I don't believe him first of all and even if he was telling the truth than he should have told me this a year ago when it still mattered. I asked him all the time to talk with me and he was always too busy playing video games. I never even felt that he loved me and now he wants me to just believe him because he is saying so. I can't, I honestly can't believe him. And I don't feel the same. Even if he could prove to me that he has changed I couldn't ever trust him completely. I will always have doubt in the back of my mind questioning his actions, thoughts and whereabouts. That is no way to live. It's not fair to him or to me. Now just because I feel this way I really hope he doesn't see this as well since she doesn't love me than I'm giving up all together. I want him to remember that he has two little girls and he should still try to prove himself to me so I will feel comfortable having my girls around him and letting him eventually have some alone time with them. His life still needs to acceptable to me bc I am the mother of his children. He still needs to impress me as a father although its too late to do so as a husband. I pray that he gets his life straightened out for the girls and for himself. I don't want him to live miserably. I still care for him and love him as just another person in the world. I don't hate James, I've forgiven him, it's the forgetting I'm having troubles with.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Ok so this is the latest and not so greatest. I called my former boss today to see if we were going to get paid tomorrow, April 1st, like he guarenteed and well not to my suprise he said no. His exact words were " No you all turned it into the state so we are going to do this through the courts." I informed him that either way he has to pay us and if he was to still pay us tomorrow nothing would happen and a simple phone call could end this all. He still said no thank you and he wants to take this to the courts. So I don't know what I am going to do now. I mean on the bright side after 8 days of a late paycheck for an employee that is no longer with the company up to 100% interest will be added, so that means he owes all of us double our paychecks now. The crappy thing is that I am broke, he really screwed me over and he is married to family, my mother none the less.

And then I talked to James today about meeting up at 7 pm at a park down the street so he can see the girls for a little bit. I told him I'd also like to go over the divorce papes bc I just want this to be over with. He informed me that he has hired an attorney now to take care of all this. Really? What could he possibly fight me on? Custody? I think not. Wanna know why...
Well as I was getting the girls ready to go I got a phone call. They asked if I was Maria and if I knew James. Then they proceeded to tell me that he just got into a car accident bc he rolled his car and he wanted them to call me. I asked what hospital he was going to and I found out he was going to Wesley so I ran up there to make sure he was okay and just in case he had to have emergency surgery or needed consent for treatment I was the only legal person who could. So I get there before the ambulance and I see them pull up. I talked to James for a second as they walked him in and he apoligized for what happened. Anyways, they are getting him all checked out and ask me a serious of questions. The EMT also informed me that he had been drinking. No not James, not Mr. Perfect! I said that figured and explained his medical history, which is completely relevant. May I also mention I had to deal with his friends family who is a huge pain in my ass bc they think that I took the girls and left James and he did nothing wrong! AGH! Well once I was able to go back and see James I went over some of the details with him. He was seriously laughing about it. His car rolled twice, he was ejected out bc he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, and his car hit a tree. He has no serious injuries at all. I am tired of him getting break after break after break but not my point. He then started complaining how he was in pain and the doctors were making him suffer, I told him no they were just looking at his scans and Xrays to make sure they could treat him correctly considering his medical history. OMG! He started screaming "I can't believe you fucking told them, I fucking hate you, who invited my ex-wife in here, I want her fucking out, I want Matt, he is family, not his bitch..." Wow! I took time out of my night to rush to the ER to make sure he was okay and that he could be treated and that is how he treats me! I want this divorce final asap, I want sole custody of my girls, I want to never see him or talk to him again! I'm so tired of doing the right thing and getting burned so badly for it. Since when is being a good mom being a bad person. Again on the bright side to this, this is more ammo for me to get sole custody of MY girls, he's crazy to think if he is going to get any sort of right to them. He's lucky to get supervised visitation.

I am so stressed that all I can do is cry. I am so dizzy from all this. For the past 3 days I have been so dizzy it is hard to function. I am even dizzy when I sleep. I feel like my legs are falling asleep when I sit or lay or even stand for that matter. I feel so exhausted from all this. I really don't know how to handle all this stress.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Family: What's new?

Ok so I last left off with my mom and I somewhat getting a relationship. She has gotten married for the 3rd time. Her new husband seemed nice and all. Supportive of her relationship with her kids and all was going well. They even volunteered to drive out to Va and get the girls and I with all our stuff! Totally awesome, besides the fact that the trip lasted 33 hours! Her husband has had many businesses in the past, the newest being a marketing company. They both really wanted me to work for them. Once I got to Kansas and thought about it and thought about how many businesses he's had in the past and why they aren't still around I decided not to take the job. Well other opportunities came my way but they just didn't work for my current situation, i.e. commission only and no benefits. So once again they offered the job to me and my mom was begging for me to come to work. So I started the following week. I was pretty excited once I started working there. The other two people who worked there was the office manager and graphic designer. Both of them my age and really great people. During this time I obvisiously got to know her husband a little more and I wasn't very fond of him. He seemed to be full of a lot of bs, he lied a lot, and the gut feeling I got from him was not a good one. They were never in the office and when they said they were at early morning meetings they were really at home still sleeping or only beginning to get ready for the day. I knew this bc he wouldn't answer the phone so I called my brother, Jacob (he lives with our mother) and asked him if he knew where they were headed this morning and he informed me of the real situation. A few weeks past and I realized this job was not for me. I just didn't like it. I felt like I was selling something, I didn't believe what he (stepdad) was telling the clients, I didn't trust him myself and I felt guilty putting peoples businesses and lives into his hands. He did hire 2 other people who also had the same job title as me during this time. My mom and stepdad started to realize that I wasn't doing well at it and my heart just wasn't in it. So the same day I told the office manager (girl) that I was going to talk to them about it they actually came in and said that they wanted to talk with me too. The conversation wasn't unpleasant at all. I wasn't fired, I didn't quit, it was honestly very mutual. This took place on a Wednesday. That Thursday I had court for something to do with James and my last appointments for them wasn't until Friday, so they went ahead and told me to just take thursday off and they'd see me Friday. I was going to bring cupcakes in and everything! So here comes Thursday, it started off like any other normal day...NOT! Oh you should also know that my car overheated and so my dad had it at his house to attempt fixing it and I had my dad's car, so obvisiously I left my keys there to with yes my work key on there as well. No biggie, right? Wrong again! Ok so the office manager called me and asked if I knew if my mom and stepdad were going to come into the office today. I said I wasn't sure and proceeded to ask why. She told me that my mom just got served court papers and they had my dad's name on them. I wasn't sure what it was for so I got off and called my stepmom ( Oh yeah my dad got remarried in May of 2008. Her name is Sweet D and she is awesome! She is only 7 years older than me and 11 years younger than my dad, haha sweet!) ok so, I called her and she didn't answer. Not too long after receiving the news my stepdad calls me and informed of the situtation as well as telling me how my dad was a douche bag, how he planned to F him up and he hated him. I told him I knew about the papers and he freaked out and said "You knew!!!!" and then I told him well not exactly, I only knew bc the office manager called me and asked if you were coming into the office and she told me. I also told him that he was talking about my dad and I still like him so he needed to stop bad mouthing him to me bc I wasn't going to deal with that. Well my mom in the background heard him say "You knew!!!!" and she starts freaking out. She came up with all sorts of scenarios in how the only reason I took the job was to conspire against them or trick them and plot with my dad. Okay seriously, really!? How those even begin to make sense in her mind I will never know nor is that a place I ever want to go. Her husband said he tried to clear things up with her. Which he very well may have bc she does tend to stick with what she thinks bc apparently what she thinks is always right. I'm gonna take a leap on this one and say that's not even close to the truth but whatever my opinion doesn't matter. Anywoo, by this point I am on my way to drop the girls off at the babysitter's so when my phone rings I didn't hear it. I saw that I had a voicemail so I checked it bc with all this crap going on I don't wanna miss a beat, plus the little icon popup things is so dang annoying. The voicemail goes as follows, keep in mind this is my mother!!!! "Maria, I can't believe you did this to me. I don't want you at the office any more. If you step foot on the grounds I will call the cops! (where have we heard that before? haha). I will pack up any of your stuff and bring it to you grandmothers house if needed. I never want to speak to you again, you really hurt me." And let's all breathe, that was intense...............................
So I called her husband again and basically asked "what the hell?" I had nothing to do with this! I had no idea. Plus my dad only wants to go after back child support from Justin (he lives with dad) she had to know that after two years she was eventually going to have to pay up! This literally can't be that big of a shocker little Miss Drama Queen! He then asked me where my work key was and I told him. He seriously dared to tell me that if he didn't have it in his hands by 12 that he was going to press theft charges against my dad and I. Really dumbass? What his my dad going to do with it first of all? One he has no idea where the office is? And two he is not as low as you, he is not going to go in there and still a box of freaking tissues oh and need I mention that the box of tissues in there are the ones I brought! And I reminded that I had court so I could get it later, my dad does live on the opposite side of town but by noon probably not. He kept pressing the theft charges and honestly just got to a point of annoyance. So after dropping the girls off I beat feet over to my dad's and grabbed the stupid key, yes the key was stupid. I then ran back to the other side of town to drop it off. I didn't want to step foot on their office grounds so the graphic designer (boy) met me outside and I gave it to him. The day went on and my mother's husband called to apoligize for all the things he said to me. I told him that the two of them were acting like idiots. This has nothing to do with him, with me, with my stepmom, with anyone except my dad and mom. I also reminded him that this was just for back child support. Not current support, he wasn't asking for anything that she didn't owe him. I also told him that if the roles were reversed you two would have done the same thing. And at one point in time the roles were reveresed and my mom took my dad to court for everything. Even things that didn't exist until the courtroom! So don't even act as if my dad and stepmom were doing anything wrong bc they haven't. Get over it! She brought all this upon herself when she left him 6 years ago and this was not some act of revenge or getting even. He simply was enforcing what needed to be. He told me that my mom wanted to talk to me and I told him no, this was not the time. I was walking into the courthouse, she told me that she didn't want to speak to me again and I don't feel that I have to justify my self to her at all. So time went by and we didn't speak. I obvisiously didn't go into work on Friday. The following monday was pay day. I called him and asked if we were getting paid today and he said no tomorrow. So we made arrangements for me to meet him at the office. My mom went into the hospital that Friday for some reoccuring issue she's had for many years now, its no big deal really. Well Tuesday came and I asked him when he would be in the office and he said he'd be heading that way in about an hour. I asked if I was allowed to be there and he said that my mom is the one who said I couldn't so what she doesn't know won't hurt her, so I went ahead and the girls and I went up to the office. This gave me a little time to chat with the other two at the office. Time went by and we ended up waiting for 3 hours for him. He finally showed and called me into his office. He immediately went into talking about my mom. We had a very interesting conversation. I told him a few past details about her and I and why Justin no longer talks with her. He told me that he has realized that her word is about an inch thick (using the hand gesture to demostrate) and he has got her numerous times lying. He said he really thought that she was the one for him and blah blah blah. I told him that she does put on a very good show but she is very flakey. I told him that I felt that my mom had no concious meaning her to be a sociopath. He said he has noticed that she is not a good person and has called his mom on numerous occasions telling her he wasn't sure what he was going to do about being married to her. Interesting convo, hmmm! So eventually we had to go and he said he would have pay for us tomorrow or Friday at the absolute latest. Friday came, Friday went. He never replied back to text messages or voicemails. He ignored phone calls. And not just from me, from everyone. So last week on a Tuesday, I sent him a text saying this "we are going into the 3rd week with no pay and this is getting ridiculous. I really need my paycheck. If I don't have it in hand by tomorrow evening then I am taking legal action to get it. I understand (insert mom's name) is in the hospital but you cannot keep ignoring your employees." So he didn't respond, by the afternoon I tried calling and he seriously ignored my call. Then immediately after I got a text from him. "Got your text this morning, you don't need to call anymore. You showed your true colors and if this is how you want to do things than fine we will take legal steps to solve this." Ok FYI, I have an issue with letting things go and keeping my mouth shut. I responded "True colors? I am just an employee looking for a very late paycheck. And you and I both know that with your business history the courthouse is the last place you want to be." This continues..."Strike two!" "Really? What was the first strike and what will strike 3 be?" " I can tie your name to bankruptcy just as good as anyones. You said tomorrow evening then fine I will get it to you." "Ok what? That doesn't answer my question." "You said tomorrow evening and I agreed so stop texting or I will contact my attorney and press harrasment against you." "Ok, we'll see what tomorrow evening brings. Good luck!" Um yeah, I never got my pay, yet again. I did however receive a text saying he certified mailed it to me. HAHAHAHAHAHA, ok buddy, you just want more time, I'm not a complete idiot, unlike some ppl. Not to mention any names. Anyways, a week has passed and still nothing. Except now I am no longer allowed to come to their house, like I really wanted to anyways, duh. And he is feeding my mom all sorts of bs talk that apparently I have said and to whom I have no idea so now she is all upset once again. Poor mommy can't deal with all of this bc she is sick and I am such a terrible daughter. Coughbullshitcough. Now they are telling my grandparents, who I live with by the way, God knows what. I literally have had no contact with anyone. I have especially not talked to either of them! They have no connection to my facebook page, nothing. So I sensed some frustration and tension with my grandma, especially after seeing a post that says something like "I can't understand how some people can go to church and walk around like they know God and treat family like such crud. How can they judge when that is not their place to? What type of relationship is that with God". Yeah, that was pretty much directed to me. It's not judging if the facts is what I am using! Facts that everyone and their cousin flippin know. I never made this personal. This is purely a business transaction or lack there of I should say. I never once brought my mother into any of this. I have only talked with her husband about this. I said I was going to take legal action against him not you all! He dragged her into this, he is a compulsive liar and not only can my mom not see that but my grandparents too? JEEZ! What else is a girl to do? I can do nothing and be blamed. I can do what is needed to solve problems and I am to blame. Whatever! So now I am trying to find a way to move out asap before anymore tension is built up where I don't want it to. I am in the right this time. I am being very christian about this all. I am being respectful and forgiving. However I will not continue to set myself up for failure over and over again. I refuse to have a relationship with such negativity in my life and my childrens. I want nothing to do with that type of lifestyle. It may feel that my intentions are not pure because I am taking action instead of sitting on the sidelines but at least I know when I stand before God I won't stand there fearing that I will be spending all of eternity in a fire pit. And no they don't have marshmallows there! So stop trying to find a bright side to that bc there ain't one! So now I just have to wait and see what is to come. I have notified mulitiple authorities of some possibilites, I have filed paperwork, I have taken every step needed to make this as right as possible. He has said again that he can guarentee pay by April 1st, however he would be complete dingbat if he thinks his word is supposed to mean something to me. So no I am not going to put an end to any action I have taken so far on my part. If a miracle happens then a simple phone will discontinue my actions and if reality happens then I am covered. As far as my relationship with my mom, if she magically is cured of being a sociopath, has given her life to God, and has made all the neccessary changes to be a normal, morally correct human being and decent mother than a relationship may blossom but until then no. And I am not sorry for that. I forgive you mom but I don't forget and for that I sleep just fine at night.

Catch-up: James

So here is everything about James and I. This is will help with the understanding of all my frustrations now throughout the divorce process and probably all the frustrations with parenting.

James and I met the summer before my sophomore year in high school. He went to Derby and I went to Maize. He was handsome, muscular, shy at first, funny at times, really sweet to me in the beginning, he said all the right things. Things got serious pretty quickly. Resulting in a relationship more mature than us only about 5 months into it. Once things went to the largest level they could besides marriage James became controlling. He took all my make-up to his house so I couldn't wear it to school. He hated all my friends bc he thought they all hated him although they didn't know him. He didn't like when I talked about my family. He called a million times a day, texted constantly, and if more than 5 minutes went by without a reply from me he freaked out. We took lots of breaks. One day we were hanging out at his house he very randomly said I want a break to experience more. The next day he had a new gf, named Keeley. I was pretty upset but whatever, I was done. That night he got completely drunk. Keeley and her friend Abby called me telling me very nasty things about him and what she had done with him and told me that they told him I hated him. I changed my number, dyed my hair and went to St. Louis for spring break to get away. About 2 weeks past and he was emailing me constantly begging for fogiveness. Begging for me back. He begged for a total for 3 weeks before I said yes and gave him my number again. Prom was in a couple weeks and I told him that I was going with him. He seriously told me that he was still planning on taking Keeley bc she already bought a dress. Idiot, so did I! I told him I will never speak to him again if that were to actually happen so we went together. Prom sucked! Everyone was super mean to me, even her older sister and her mom who chaperoned! We left after about 1 hour. I was hurt but played it off as I was tough. We never went to my prom so that was my experience, it was terrible. We kept dating, things got a lot better. I told him how things were going to be, no more controlling me, and he had to be nicer. About 6 months later I got pregnant. I didn't find out until I was about 7 weeks or so. James was really excited about it. I told him on his birthday. He was already planning on joining the Air Force like his dad and brother so everything seemed great. We were going to get married, have a daughter, have a great secure life. I gave birth to Hope on May 10, 2006, James was still in tech school and missed her birth by 2 days. He came up once to see her bc he was only 4 hours away. I took her down to see him twice. Once was for us to get married. We got married 2 days after my 18th birthday on June 12, 2006. Our first duty station was in Utah and we moved there in July of 2006. Things were okay, at first. Once we got settled down James just assumed his life wouldn't change. He came home from work at about 4:30, he immiditely went to the gym for 3 hours, came home and ate dinner while playing video games. Oh how I hate video games! By this time I already had Hope in bed and I was on my way to bed too. He freaked out bc I didn't want to to wake up and have sex when he came to bed. Things stayed like this for a while. He was fighting with me more, over nothing most of the time. I wasn't allowed to go to the store without taking Hope, I wasn't allowed to drive without asking, I wasn't even allowed to have my own debit card. I just had to use his when I needed it and he had to see all the reciepts to make sure I didn't by something for me or the baby that we didn't need. Money wasn't that tight. We were fine. So one day I did a little snooping and found that he had been emailing an ex gf from Arkansas back and fourth for a while now and they ended almost every email with I love you. He had told her about Hope but not that we had gotten married. When I confronted him about it he freaked out and somehow twisted it back on me and I ended up apoligizing! Well James got hurt injured in September 2007 and was unable to workout anymore, forcing him to be at home more. He got to spend more time with Hope and they became buddies. He eventually had surgery on it in February 2008. He spent 30 days at home recovering. That helped him realize that I didn't just sit on my butt all day, that I really was busy with errands, Hope, the house and the puppy we ended up getting Rocky. We got orders to move to Virginia about during that time and we moved April 10, 2008. When we finally arrived in Va we lived in TLF for about 2 weeks. The house that base had for us had been delayed and we weren't able to move in until the end of June so we had to figure something else out. James ended up moving in with his new boss and his crazy family. Meanwhile Hope, Rocky and I went up to Boston and lived with his dad and sister. Things were going great with James. Hope had just turned 2 and we were starting to talk about having another baby. James really wanted to be a part of the whole pregnancy, birth, infant stage that he wasn't a part of with Hope. He also realized all this mistakes when Hope was little and wanted another chance. So we talked but nothing was set in stone or anything. James came up to visit us right before my 20th birthday and our 2nd anniversary. James' mom took Hope for a night and day so James and I went to have dinner at an amazing restaurant, we got a hotel room and spent the entire next day walking around Boston. Once James left to go back to Va I though I might be pregnant. I took a home pregnancy test, negitative. A week passed and I went to the doctor and had a blood test done, also negative. I was upset that I wasn't pregnant. When I thought I might be I realized I really wanted to be. We moved into our new house a couple weeks later. I knew that I was pregnant, despite what the tests said. I just felt that I was. Two days later I woke up in terrible pain, I felt that I was in labor, and I was bleeding really bad. James took me to the doctor. They did a pregnancy and it came back positive. The day I found out I was pregnant was the same day I lost the baby. I was devistated. James never believed that I was pregnant so he wasn't hurt by it. He didn't understand my pain from it. I cried all day, all night for about a month. James was freaking out at me, telling me to stop, telling me that I was overreacting, telling me that I was stupid to think that it was my fault. He hurt me more. I don't think I've ever felt more alone than I did then. I knew that the only way to get over this was to get pregnant again. So we did. In August 2008 we got pregnant with what was soon to be our 2nd daughter. Her pregnancy was terrible. I was sick all day long for 20 weeks. I lost 6 pounds in 3 weeks and didn't gain it back until well into my 2nd trimester. James thought I was being a baby bc he's gone through worse pain before and puking was nothing. James got hurt again and had his 2nd surgery when I was 6 months pregnant. He had a few complications and was being pumped full of drugs to help him. James thought that maybe something went wrong during the surgery and he knew that they felt bad that this had happened to him so he kept acting as if he was in pain so they kept giving him drugs. He got addicted rather quickly. First it was Percocet and Valium, then Loratab and Vicodin, then Diladid and Lyrica, then MSCoton (low dose oxycoton), then Methadone and Morphine. He was taking so many pills at once that he would pass out for days. He once again missed out on another pregnancy. The neighbors all knew what was going on. He screamed and yelled at me for eveything. I just wanted him to be awake. Be a part of our family. I gave birth to Faith Olivia on April 14, 2009, she was so beautiful. I had to have my friend Jill come to the hospital while I was in labor though bc James was falling asleep while I was in labor and I needed more support. She was all natural! What a great experience though, minus James. When we got home from the hospital James was right back to drug seeking, again I was so alone. Now with 2 kids one of them being a newborn. Ohmygosh, I was so exhausted. He even told him that he would give me money if I gave him my percocet from having the baby. He knew where I stood on the drug thing and since I was breastfeeding he knew I wasn't going to take them so I just said do whatever I don't want any money. He got worse. I told his doctors what was going on, I told his dad, nothing happened. I eventually told James when Faith was 4 months old that he had 7 days to figure out how to get off the drugs and to quit smoking or I wanted a divorce. He told him he would never suffer for us and I better start getting the papers ready. A week later he attempted to overdose on drugs. I tried to get him into the car to take him to the ER and he kept getting out. At my last attempt he pushed, hit and punched me and went inside. I had enough so I called 911 and he went to the ER. I then got an EPO-emergency protection order against him. I moved out to hotels but we couldn't keep living like that so I moved back while he was in rehab. He got released and he did this 4 times. During the 4th time his boss called me and told him that James was coming home early bc he was still doing drugs while there and that this was his last straw for being in the military. I immediately packed up all our stuff and headed over to my friend Tara's house where the girls and I lived for a week until we moved back to Wichita where we are now. James has had no contact with us until about 2 months ago when he called to tell me that he was on his way to move to Derby! Oh boy. He has been served with the divorce papers and hopefully it will be over soon.

Catch-up: Family

Ok, lets play catch up on my life so far. This will help things make a little more sense.

Basic Outline: I am the oldest child out of 3 kids. I am the only girl. My parents had me the summer before their senior year in high school. I was born in Vancouver, Washington. When I was 2 yrs old my parents got married, my dad joined the Army and our first duty station was in Tennessee. When I was 4 yrs old my first brother was born, his name is Jacob. Then we moved to Germany, that is when my second brother was born, Justin, it was only 13 months after Jacob was born. After living in Germany for 3 years we moved to Savannah, Georgia and stayed there for 6 years. 3 months into my 7th grade year we moved to Wichita, Kansas because my dad got out of the Army.

Relationship Outline: I had a wonderful childhood, I honestly don't remember any bad from it other than the occassional spanking from dad, lol. We went to church rarely, it was honestly only when my mom felt like taking us. Once we moved to Ks we did start going to church reguarly but it wasn't something I really understood. I truely believe now that was because I wasn't really put into any situations turning me to God and my faith wasn't ever tested and since I hadn't really grown up knowing him I just couldn't fully comprhend Him. So I believed in Him with a lacking of knowing his Grace. My dad was gone a lot due to the military which left us kids with our mom most of the time. I don't blame my dad or anything, it was his job, a job in which you have no choice in anything and that job is what gave us such a great life and so many opportunities. So in spending so much time with our mom by default I had a better relationship with her than my dad. Don't get me wrong, I was his buddy, I was a total daddy's girl. I just felt that I was able to talk to my mom about more personal things than him. Being a girl may also have played a part in that. When he got out of the military I was in the pre-teen years and lets face it, parents are uncool as it is then especially dads in a girl's eye. So having the opportunity to get closer to my dad just wasn't appealling at the time. Sorry dad. Oh disclaimer here...keep in mind that I know all this now, when I was younger I had no idea what the bigger picture really was. I never even considered an alternative motive behind anything. Ok back to where I was. When I talked to my mom about boys, she warned me about them and just wanted me to be happy like any other parent. Then when I got old enough to start seriously dating my mom always seemed pretty cool with it and my dad of course hated it. So when I wanted to go out, my mom was usually fine with it, it was just a matter of what my dad said about it. So the conversation usally went as follows; "Mom, can I go out tonight please, I'm going with (insert name) and where going (insert place) and I will be back by curfew." "That's fine with me if it's okay with your dad"..."Dad (insert following conversation)" "Well I'll have to discuss it with your mom first." "Oh I already did and she said its fine" "Well I'll have to discuss it with your mom" "Dad! She said yes (oh by this point, I had quite the attitude) !" "Fine then no, I don't like your attitude and you don't know when to stop asking. You should have left it alone." Ok so this may not be word for word but this is the general senario with the ending result of me being mad at my dad and thinking my mom was the cool one. This happened pretty much everytime I went to her first. She knew exactly what would happen and exactly what I would be thinking in the end. Things like this continued well into my teen years. And then I started to have a serious relationship with someone who ended up being my future husband. My dad saw what was going to happen before it even began and mom just used that situation to her advantage. Now my relationship with James (future husband) is not what she was using with me, she was however using it with my dad and me. Ah, here it comes. So I grew to dislike my dad more and more. This was not something that was noticeable from the outside looking in. This wasn't something like screaming matches in the house. Actually I never really showed it until something didn't go my way, the way mom said was ok. So my house was never a warzone or anything like that. So to sum this up my mom was always more my friend than my mom. Which of course was exactly what I wanted then, not what I needed. Phase 2: Things started seeming odd between my parents. My mom was always talking bad about my dad, talking about all the little things about him that she hated. She even took us to see my aunt in St. Louis once (oh this was my dad's sister of all ppl too, haha) and one night we were on my way back from ice cream or something like that and my mom wanted to talk to my aunt more. We had to take two cars bc of all of us plus my aunts family so my mom's car was just my mom, my aunt and me. My aunt then suggested maybe taking me home first and my mom said oh no big deal she already knows all this. Um, not to this extent I didn't. However, the conversation grew and it was basically a bitching session about my dad. My aunt always being the rational one, tried to calm my mom, tried to justify her feelings at the same time trying to defend my dad. When we got back home I was just overwhelmed, confused, baffled at everything. I immediately went to go see James and my dad was ticked about that bc one I didn't ask and two it had been a week since he'd seen us so I should have came home first. Him and I got into a huge fight over the phone, probably bc I ignored his first few calls. I was so mad when I got home, I ended up getting myself grounded and probably screaming I hate you. I was talking to my mom later and told her that I just wanted her to leave dad and I would live with her and be happy again. That right there, that conversation made me feel guilty even now. I don't know how much later but my mom soon told us that she filed for divorce and I lost it. I was so upset that my family was being ripped apart like this and I thought it was all my fault. I told her to do this! If I hadn't been born my parents wouldn't have even gotten married! This was all my doing! I went to school the next day crying all day long. I think my counselor called me out of my classes and I hung out in her office all day bc I just couldn't keep it together. All of sudden things just started clicking. My mom already had another person in her life, she moved on so much quicker than I ever thought she would have. My dad was hurting so bad. Oh I felt so terrible for him. I hated how hurt he was. I blamed myself more for his pain. He didn't deserve this at all. He worshiped my mother. He was that cheesey romantic type to her. He planned scavenger hunt dates for her. Always came home with a card or flowers for her. And now I realize that he was an amazing dad. He seriously never did anything wrong, he just did what he was supposed to. He was a parent first and friend last. My mom ended up putting her new bf first, nothing my brothers and I did or said to her mattered. She totally blew us off, over and over again. We were all hurt but my little brothers never said anything. I think they really enjoyed the freedom they were given by default of her not being around. We were at her bf's house everynight we were with her. We were forced to eat the nastiest food ever, forced to spend time at his house even if we had homework to do or other plans. It got ridiculous. I finally had enough and she just wouldn't listen. It was as if I was a total burden to her new life. There was just no talking to her. So I took a ton of time to write up this 3 page letter about how I felt. I left it with her and went to my dad's house with all my stuff. I didn't want to live with her even though it was only a few days a week and every other weekend. Once she read it she called, the very first thing out of her mouth I will never forget. She said she was hurt. She was hurt! That letter was all about me and how I felt. For once I was speaking out on my feeling and she didn't care at all! She threatened to call the cops but I wasn't going to budge. Eventually she got a judge to tell her to tell me that my drivers license will be taken away if I don't divide my time up just as the custody agreement ordered. I felt that this was so unfair. My dad kept telling me over and over that she is my mom and I really do have to go back to her house. But seriously, I love you dad, but not even he could make me and I think he knew that. I went back once I got scared into losing my dl but nothing changed, she kept doing the same things so I left again. I realized they can't take my license aways, I have nothing on my driving record to make them do that and this isn't grounds for that. And they didn't. What I did made my brothers realize that nothing was keeping them there either. My mom soon was to marry this guy, 8 months after my parents divorce was finialized, and she to this day denies leaving my dad for him, ha. She made my brothers not only go to her wedding but participate in it and they did not want to. Her fiance acted as if he was their dad, bossing them around and being a total ass and he had no right. So both of my brothers came up with the idea that I would go to the church parking lot and pick them up before the wedding started and they would ditch it. So we did! I called my dad once I got them and he told us we were nuts and we needed to be prepared for the outcome of this. We went to KFC and went bowling like all night long. I dropped them off at mom's house at about midnight. Boom! End of relationship with my mom. And apparently it was all my fault. At the same time of all this James and I were expecting a daughter and planning on getting married. Well go figure her second marriage failed. And when my oldest daughter,Hope, was about turn 2 she contacted me via myspace. We slowly started talking again. I came to Ks to visit for about 2 weeks during our move from Utah to Virginia. That was the first time she saw Hope. Things were going ok. I still had a lot of built up emotion and resentment from the past. I still felt that is was time to forgive my mom, whether she admitted or not, whether we talked about it or not, I had to forgive her. Not for her, but for me! I moved to Virginia and continued to talk to her here and there and slowly built some sort of a relationship back up. Nothing like it was in my early high school years, that was something that I knew may never happen and I wasn't looking for it to.