Saturday, April 3, 2010

Love me or Hate me

So James called the next day and apoligized for his behavior at the hospital. He said he was just in a lot of pain and didn't mean those things and since I informed the staff of his past drug history he never received anything. He said he was actually kinda grateful bc he knew it would throw him back into a downward spiral.

So just yesterday I took the girls over to see him. He started talking with me about everything and professed his love for me. Really? I don't believe him first of all and even if he was telling the truth than he should have told me this a year ago when it still mattered. I asked him all the time to talk with me and he was always too busy playing video games. I never even felt that he loved me and now he wants me to just believe him because he is saying so. I can't, I honestly can't believe him. And I don't feel the same. Even if he could prove to me that he has changed I couldn't ever trust him completely. I will always have doubt in the back of my mind questioning his actions, thoughts and whereabouts. That is no way to live. It's not fair to him or to me. Now just because I feel this way I really hope he doesn't see this as well since she doesn't love me than I'm giving up all together. I want him to remember that he has two little girls and he should still try to prove himself to me so I will feel comfortable having my girls around him and letting him eventually have some alone time with them. His life still needs to acceptable to me bc I am the mother of his children. He still needs to impress me as a father although its too late to do so as a husband. I pray that he gets his life straightened out for the girls and for himself. I don't want him to live miserably. I still care for him and love him as just another person in the world. I don't hate James, I've forgiven him, it's the forgetting I'm having troubles with.

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